anonymous
11-01-2007, 03:01 PM
Late Night Lechery
by Quass Debonair
Author's warning: This is a parody. By parody, I mean not that it is a parody of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," but that it is a parody of Internet erotic fan fiction. It really isn't supposed to be erotic, just humorous, but if you're turned on by it, that's your problem. I don't own Late Night, so please don't sue me- I love the show, I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I also don't own Conan O'Brien, Kim Cattrall, or Ann Coulter, and I'm not trying to diminish any of them (except that Coulter bitch). This story features male-female sex, male-male sex (don't worry, we don't see much of it), consensual sex, non-consensual sex, female dominance, masturbation, sexual violence, non-sexual violence, and pseudo-bestiality (it's kind of hard to explain).
>From NBC Studios in New York-
It's Late Night with Conan O'Brien!
Tonight, from HBO's Sex and the City, Kim Cattrall!
and right-wing pundit Ann Coulter!
With Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
Now, here's your host-
Conan O'Briiiiiieeennnn!
(Conan comes out to the usual polite applause. He does his patented "string dance" for the crowd, and we hear female voices screaming in response.)
Conan: Please, please. Keep cool, my babies. We have got such a great show tonight... I've never said that. Seriously, we do. We have a very talented and sexy actress... Kim Cattrall is on the show tonight. And, you know her from her bestselling books "Slander" and "Treason"- Ann Coulter is on the show tonight. And, as always, Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
(Max and the band play "Midnight Rambler" as Conan makes his way to his desk.)
Conan: Well, we've got a lot to do tonight- but there's one thing that we really need to discuss- our announcer, Joel Godard, is in Hawaii right now. You see, he's in Hawaii because it's the only state where he can legally marry Toshi, his favorite Asian male prostitute. We've hooked up a satellite camera so we can witness this historic event- are you there, Joel?
(We cut to Joel and Toshi. The camera shows them only from the neck up.)
Joel: You bet, Conan!
Conan: So, what's the ceremony going to be like?
Joel: Ceremony? We got that over with an hour ago. Now we're up to the really important stuff.
(The camera zooms out to reveal that Joel and Toshi are both naked. Joel is sporting a ten-inch erection.)
Joel: Come on, Toshi! Daddy's hungry!
(Joel starts having gay sex with Toshi. Cut to Conan looking horrified.)
Conan: Oh my God!
(Cut back to Joel and Toshi. They're still going at it. Then cut back to Conan.)
Conan: I don't get paid enough for this. We're going to take a break, everybody- Kim Cattrall's coming up next!
(Commercial break)
Conan: We're back, everybody. You know my first guest as Samantha from HBO's Sex and the City- please welcome Kim Cattrall!
(Kim comes out to "Let's Talk About Sex" in a slinky blue dress. She walks to the couch and sits down.)
Conan: Well, it's great to have you on the show again, although I really feel the need to apologize for that last bit- I really don't want it to set the tone for the entire sho-
Kim: Oh, don't worry, Conie boy- it has, it has.
(Kim rips her dress off, revealing her tits. She jumps on Conan and, despite his 6'4" frame, manages to pin him to the top of his desk. She madly kisses him as he struggles to get free.)
Conan: Kim, please... I don't want to lose my virginity on live TV...
(Kim unbuttons his shirt and works her way down to his fly. She carefully opens it, and pulls out Conan's fully erect penis. It's three and a half inches, tops. She starts shallow-throating him, and he moans in ecstasy.)
Kim: Okay, Conie boy, now let the mistress show you how it's done...
(Kim pulls down her panties and lays astride Conan, violently thrusting. She does this for about five seconds until Conan ejaculates inside her.)
Conan: We're going to take a break, everybody; Ann Coulter's coming up.
(Commercial break)
(Conan and Kim are dressed again, but their clothes are totally disheveled.)
Conan: Okay, everyone, Ann Coulter's coming up next, but I've been informed that we have a very special surprise guest- in fact, even I don't know who it is. Let's bring him out here.
(The Masturbating Bear comes out onto the stage. He immediately starts violently rubbing his diaper as "The Sabre Dance" by Aram Khachaturian plays in the background.)
Conan: Well, it's our old friend, the Masturbating Bear.
(The bear continues masturbating.)
Conan: Uh, bear... bear... Uh, could we get someone to stop him? Those guys from the zoo haven't worked for us for several years...
Kim: I think I have a solution...
(Kim walks up to the bear and slowly slips her hand into his diaper. The bear stops pleasuring himself, and intently watches her. Kim brings out his 18-inch bear penis and starts deep-throating the bear. The bear starts to quiver with his orgasm- but then he breaks away from Kim Cattrall and starts masturbating again.)
Conan: Well, he's certainly taken matters into his own hands... Ann Coulter's coming up next!
(Commercial)
(We return from commercial. The bear has departed.)
Conan: Well, you know our next guest from her best selling novels- I mean books Slander and Treason- let's give a warm welcome to Ann Coulter!
(Ann Coulter comes out in a Nazi uniform to "Deutschland uber Alles". She's holding a whip and a nightstick.)
Ann Coulter: This show is disgusting! I'm going to bring some punishment to the people behind this!
(She hits Conan on the head with the nightstick, knocking him out. She then moves over to Kim Cattrall.)
Ann: Surrender, bitch!
(Ann Coulter starts to whip Kim Cattrall mercilessly. After she's done, she removes her Nazi uniform, revealing that she wasn't wearing underwear. She pulls down Kim Cattrall's panties and uses the nightstick as a double-ended dildo. Kim Cattrall screams in pain as Ann Coulter fucks her with a grin on her face.)
Ann: That's it, slut.
(After reaching orgasm, Ann removes herself from the nightstick and turns her attention to Conan, who has just started to revive.)
Ann: Okay, Conan, time for your injection.
(Ann removes the nightstick from Kim's pussy and pulls Conan's pants down. She prepares to shove the nightstick into Conan's butt, but just before she does so, the Masturbating Bear sneaks up behind her and rips her head off.)
Conan: That's it for tonight, everybody... I'd like to thank Kim Cattrall for being here, and Ann Coulter for nothing. Goodbye, everyone.
THE END
by Quass Debonair
Author's warning: This is a parody. By parody, I mean not that it is a parody of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," but that it is a parody of Internet erotic fan fiction. It really isn't supposed to be erotic, just humorous, but if you're turned on by it, that's your problem. I don't own Late Night, so please don't sue me- I love the show, I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I also don't own Conan O'Brien, Kim Cattrall, or Ann Coulter, and I'm not trying to diminish any of them (except that Coulter bitch). This story features male-female sex, male-male sex (don't worry, we don't see much of it), consensual sex, non-consensual sex, female dominance, masturbation, sexual violence, non-sexual violence, and pseudo-bestiality (it's kind of hard to explain).
>From NBC Studios in New York-
It's Late Night with Conan O'Brien!
Tonight, from HBO's Sex and the City, Kim Cattrall!
and right-wing pundit Ann Coulter!
With Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
Now, here's your host-
Conan O'Briiiiiieeennnn!
(Conan comes out to the usual polite applause. He does his patented "string dance" for the crowd, and we hear female voices screaming in response.)
Conan: Please, please. Keep cool, my babies. We have got such a great show tonight... I've never said that. Seriously, we do. We have a very talented and sexy actress... Kim Cattrall is on the show tonight. And, you know her from her bestselling books "Slander" and "Treason"- Ann Coulter is on the show tonight. And, as always, Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
(Max and the band play "Midnight Rambler" as Conan makes his way to his desk.)
Conan: Well, we've got a lot to do tonight- but there's one thing that we really need to discuss- our announcer, Joel Godard, is in Hawaii right now. You see, he's in Hawaii because it's the only state where he can legally marry Toshi, his favorite Asian male prostitute. We've hooked up a satellite camera so we can witness this historic event- are you there, Joel?
(We cut to Joel and Toshi. The camera shows them only from the neck up.)
Joel: You bet, Conan!
Conan: So, what's the ceremony going to be like?
Joel: Ceremony? We got that over with an hour ago. Now we're up to the really important stuff.
(The camera zooms out to reveal that Joel and Toshi are both naked. Joel is sporting a ten-inch erection.)
Joel: Come on, Toshi! Daddy's hungry!
(Joel starts having gay sex with Toshi. Cut to Conan looking horrified.)
Conan: Oh my God!
(Cut back to Joel and Toshi. They're still going at it. Then cut back to Conan.)
Conan: I don't get paid enough for this. We're going to take a break, everybody- Kim Cattrall's coming up next!
(Commercial break)
Conan: We're back, everybody. You know my first guest as Samantha from HBO's Sex and the City- please welcome Kim Cattrall!
(Kim comes out to "Let's Talk About Sex" in a slinky blue dress. She walks to the couch and sits down.)
Conan: Well, it's great to have you on the show again, although I really feel the need to apologize for that last bit- I really don't want it to set the tone for the entire sho-
Kim: Oh, don't worry, Conie boy- it has, it has.
(Kim rips her dress off, revealing her tits. She jumps on Conan and, despite his 6'4" frame, manages to pin him to the top of his desk. She madly kisses him as he struggles to get free.)
Conan: Kim, please... I don't want to lose my virginity on live TV...
(Kim unbuttons his shirt and works her way down to his fly. She carefully opens it, and pulls out Conan's fully erect penis. It's three and a half inches, tops. She starts shallow-throating him, and he moans in ecstasy.)
Kim: Okay, Conie boy, now let the mistress show you how it's done...
(Kim pulls down her panties and lays astride Conan, violently thrusting. She does this for about five seconds until Conan ejaculates inside her.)
Conan: We're going to take a break, everybody; Ann Coulter's coming up.
(Commercial break)
(Conan and Kim are dressed again, but their clothes are totally disheveled.)
Conan: Okay, everyone, Ann Coulter's coming up next, but I've been informed that we have a very special surprise guest- in fact, even I don't know who it is. Let's bring him out here.
(The Masturbating Bear comes out onto the stage. He immediately starts violently rubbing his diaper as "The Sabre Dance" by Aram Khachaturian plays in the background.)
Conan: Well, it's our old friend, the Masturbating Bear.
(The bear continues masturbating.)
Conan: Uh, bear... bear... Uh, could we get someone to stop him? Those guys from the zoo haven't worked for us for several years...
Kim: I think I have a solution...
(Kim walks up to the bear and slowly slips her hand into his diaper. The bear stops pleasuring himself, and intently watches her. Kim brings out his 18-inch bear penis and starts deep-throating the bear. The bear starts to quiver with his orgasm- but then he breaks away from Kim Cattrall and starts masturbating again.)
Conan: Well, he's certainly taken matters into his own hands... Ann Coulter's coming up next!
(Commercial)
(We return from commercial. The bear has departed.)
Conan: Well, you know our next guest from her best selling novels- I mean books Slander and Treason- let's give a warm welcome to Ann Coulter!
(Ann Coulter comes out in a Nazi uniform to "Deutschland uber Alles". She's holding a whip and a nightstick.)
Ann Coulter: This show is disgusting! I'm going to bring some punishment to the people behind this!
(She hits Conan on the head with the nightstick, knocking him out. She then moves over to Kim Cattrall.)
Ann: Surrender, bitch!
(Ann Coulter starts to whip Kim Cattrall mercilessly. After she's done, she removes her Nazi uniform, revealing that she wasn't wearing underwear. She pulls down Kim Cattrall's panties and uses the nightstick as a double-ended dildo. Kim Cattrall screams in pain as Ann Coulter fucks her with a grin on her face.)
Ann: That's it, slut.
(After reaching orgasm, Ann removes herself from the nightstick and turns her attention to Conan, who has just started to revive.)
Ann: Okay, Conan, time for your injection.
(Ann removes the nightstick from Kim's pussy and pulls Conan's pants down. She prepares to shove the nightstick into Conan's butt, but just before she does so, the Masturbating Bear sneaks up behind her and rips her head off.)
Conan: That's it for tonight, everybody... I'd like to thank Kim Cattrall for being here, and Ann Coulter for nothing. Goodbye, everyone.
THE END