Jokes

[davesmistress]

Sometimes you just need some sexy jokes

[Wolfhead]

You are so right davesmistress. Thanks for the funnys.

[davesmistress]

Your welcome

[Carrot74]

Here's one you may like...

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[davesmistress]

hahahah

cute

[Carrot74]

I got this one from one the sister sites....

Bad start to a morning......

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[davesmistress]

Hahhahahah

thanks carrot

[jingoE419]

Hello Landlord, got a problem. My bed has a leak, every morning I wake up and there's
a wet patch.

[davesmistress]

Hhahaha

Yikes

[Wolf_lord]

A man was in a bar and a beefy biker walks up to him and takes his drink and downs it.
The man starts crying.
"What's the matter?" the biker asks
"I've had a rubbish day." the guy replies
"How?" the biker inquires
"I woke up thismorning late, missed breakfast, got fired by my boss, wife left me."
"Damn..." the biker replies. stricken by the mans story.
"and to top it all off.. you come in and drink my poison."....

[Janos Audron]

One from years ago: The Seven Dwarves Were All In The Bath, And They Were All Feeling Happy. Then Happy Got Out Of The Bath, So They All Started Feeling Grumpy.

[S1R]

lol

[Caine69]

This one's wrong.

A man in a ski mask walks into a sperm bank. He points a gun at the woman at the counter. "Open up the door to where the sperm is!" He shouts. She does. He shoves her into the room. "Drink the sperm!"
"What?" she asks.
"DRINK THE SPERM!" He yells. She takes a container, opens it, and drinks it. "Another one." he demands. She drinks another one, and then another, and another. The man takes of his mask. It's her husband. "See? Now, was that so bad?"

[Caine69]

My favorite joke ever:


There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Caine69]

An old woman answered a knock at her door only to be greeted by a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak the man tips a bucket of dog shit all over her carpet. "Madam if this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of that shit I will eat what's left"
"Well, I hope you're fucking hungry because the bastards cut off my electricity this morning!!!"

[Caine69]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Caine69]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"